Sometimes I Stink as a Mother

My girls would have been better off being raised by someone else. Someone like an old friend of mine that has four beautiful daughters who seem to have life altogether. Or perhaps a friend from college who always seems to say just the right thing to everyone, including her children.

We've all seen them, those "Supermoms". They are the ones that all of the youngsters want to go to their house. We've heard our kids say that such and such's mom is so cool; I just love Miss Perfect.

For those of us who are less perfect, who try too hard in some areas and don't try hard enough in others,  we are inferior to those perfect mothers. Oh, we have the best of intentions. But intentions and actions just don't equate.

When your kids are little, you vow to create the utopian life for them. You overextend yourself making sure that they get to participate in every little thing their hearts' desire, from music, dance, little league, boy or girl scouts, martial arts, and whatever else they could think about doing.

You also beat yourself up if it is your lot in life to not be able to be that perfect stay-at-home mom who wakes in the morning to dress to perfection not just her children but herself also. She has that perfectly kept home, can cook gourmet meals, entertain children, friends or dignitaries while thriving to coordinate the big charity gala event and all her kids' practices.

If you're like me, you vow to do better the next time, or the time after that, and certainly by the time after that. You may even feel that your own children dislike you or worse, hate you. Maybe you think they "tolerate" you because it would look bad to their friends if they didn't.

Do you often embarrass your children? Maybe its something you said or did in public or maybe you feel that you embarrass them by just your very existance.

Being a mother is a tricky calling. There seems to be this very fine line that on one side, you are the greatest, most wonderful, special mother in the world. But heaven forbid you cross that line, even just a smidgen.  You would be "labeled" among the worst of the worst. I've never heard anyone talk about their "mediocre" mother.

Someday in a land far away in your fairy tale world, you think things will be different. Maybe they will, but more than likely, they won't. But maybe the real change won't be on the outside or the things you can change.

I suspect that as time goes by, we "non" Supermoms will be able to extend grace to ourselves like we do others around us. Although we may not be perfect, we did the best we knew how to do and we loved our children with every fiber of our being. 

But most importantly,  we hope our children will always recognize that our love for them is unconditional. Oh yes, just as they may be disappointed in us, we may be disappointed from time to time in something they've said or done. That does not diminish the love, it simply means that you always want what's best for your child and from your child.

I know, for me, I'm not the perfect mom nor are my kids perfect. But, I will trust God who put us together as family, to believe that we are a perfect family together with some possible imperfections along the way.

All my love to both of my girls!

Signed,
Your Imperfect Mother

Self-Righteous Murderer

Hello my friend. The Lord is so good to me and I can't help but share His amazing grace.

When I think back over my life, I am reminded of the many people that I've met along the way: people from all walks of life. Some were godly, some petty, some even demonic and a lot who fall all over the spectrum of humanity. While it's easy to dwell on the differences in people, I want to step back and think about the ways we are alike.

Regardless of the families we are born into and the circumstances around our birth, Paul relates to us in Galations 1:15 " But when it pleased God, who separated me from my mother's womb, and called me by his grace" that we are truly called by God's grace from the moment of birth. Paul may have been called to preach while we all have been called to share the glorious news of Jesus. But can you grasp that from the moment we are born, we are called?

So how did we all get to where we are in life? We have to travel back to Adam in the beginning. He, too, was created for greatness: to commune with God. But he wasn't forced into submission, but given a free will to choose his path. Unfortunately his choice to disobey God brought sin into the lives of all mankind. So, although we are called, we are also sinners.

How do we reconcile being chosen and being sinners? We CAN'T! We cannot do anything to change our sin nature and follow our calling. But, praise be to God, Jesus CAN!

For you see, Jesus became the ultimate sacrifice to bridge the gap. All we have to do is repent of our sins and ask Jesus to forgive us. From that moment on, we can fulfill the calling that we received from birth.

But let's get back to the circumstances surrounding our birth. Maybe some were fortunate enough to have been born into a godly family who were taught the love of God from their youth, fell in love with Jesus, and experienced God's amazing grace at an early age. But most have had a struggle with various influences in their lives and clouded the call they were given. Some may have had godly people come alongside of them and extended grace, they have been able to accept the wonderful gift of God's grace as they grew older.

However, others may still be struggling with the sin nature and haven't experienced the extension of grace by others. Perhaps this has led to them becoming bitter, cynical and even angry with the world. Some have even done diabolical things and others have suffered. If this describes YOU, please hear me. GOD LOVES YOU! Yes, you! He still wants to extend His grace to you and help you to become a new creature. God wants to bring joy to your life and equip you for your eternal home in heaven.

 

Then, there are those who somehow try to hang on to a moral superiority spirit. You know, like the scribes and Pharisees. You remember the one who prayed in the temple boastfully who was thankful that he wasn't like THOSE other people who were not up to his caliber of piety. If you fall into this category, you need to take a fresh look at yourself and examine your self-righteous heart. God is NOT pleased with you just as He wasn't pleased with the Pharisee. You need the grace of God to rid you of your bad spirit.

What I want each of us to take away from this is that we could all have been among the most evil of society. We were all born being called to His grace, but what have our actions and attitudes been towards that calling?

Lastly, I want to bring this back around to a young man that I knew in the Fall of 2006. He was a smart guy and always thoughtful and respectful towards me. He was a kind and considerate young man. I never saw anything out of the way with his behavior. Because all I saw of him was his impeccable good character and diligence in his studies, I have remembered him for the last 11 1/2 years.

Today, this young man sits in a jail cell charged with the criminal homicide of his own 5 year old son. My mind cannot reconcile this act to the young man I knew just a few years ago. While we all seek justice for the son, we must not have a heart of vengeance or hatred. To do so, we are self-righteous and just as much of a sinner in need of the same Jesus and the grace of God.

As humanity, we have laws and consequences for breaking those laws. As spiritual beings, we also have consequences for our sins. The Bible tells us that the wages of sin is death. In God's eyes, there are no little sins and big sins with different consequences. All unrepented sin receives the same punishment, death. So each of us need to examine our hearts. Do we have sin in our life? Do we have a heart of hatred? Perhaps some may have sexual sin, pride or even something seemingly innocuous like gossip. I fear that more people will miss out on the grace of God because of an unrepentant heart for a wagging tongue than all the other sins combined.

It is my prayer that all of us have repentant hearts, from the murderer, assault perpetrator, thief, idolater, hater, gossiper and all other sinful behavior. We all have consequences, whether earthly or eternal. Just remember, Paul was a self-righteous, zealot, murderer. Yet, he became perhaps the greatest evangelist the world has ever known. He wrote a lot of the New Testament and upon his earthly death, he received his heavenly reward. In contrast, Ananias and Sapphira blasphemed by lying to the Holy Spirit, They both were struck dead and received their eternal damnation.

Where is your heart today? Are you fulfilling the calling you received from birth?

Not Bad Decisions

Have you ever made a decision that later you realize was not the right one? Not that you decided to sin, but actually a positive decision, but it just wasn't right for you.

God guides us if we ask. Even as Christians, I think we sometimes make choices that aren't in God's plans. I've been guilty of that in the past. One would think that as you mature in the Lord, you wouldn't do that.

So what did I do that I shouldn't have? I started working on a new Master's degree. In and of itself, that's not a bad thing. The problem is, I failed to actually pray about it and to consult with my family especially my husband. I just assumed that because it was a positive move to improve some of my skills in order to have the "credentials" to do something that I would like to do, that it was alright.

These last 2 weeks have beaten me up pretty good. Finally, last night, I sat down with my husband alone and talked about what we, as a couple, would like to be able to do in the near future and as empty nesters.

This is daughter #1's junior year in college with a lot of extracurricular activities. She still needs her mother from time to time to come to the rescue, so to speak. And, it's daughter #2's last year of high school. She also has extracurricular activities that I'd previously promised that I would be available to help. I will not break my promise to my children or not be there for them if I can help it.

Finally, my husband has some probable work changes within a few months where we will finally be able to bring some normalcy to our lives and spend more time together and go places together. This is something I've waited for for over 18 years.  It is an answer to a persistent prayer where we've been in a wait mode for so long.

So, I made a decision, however positive it might be, that is stressful, time consuming and counter to what I've prayed about for years. It was bogging me down, just 2 weeks into it with such a weight on my shoulders.

So the remedy, to get back to where I need to be, became clear in our conversation last night. I am withdrawing from school today. This wasn't as tough as I thought it would be. I am not a quitter. But sometimes we have quit the things that don't make sense in our lives.

As I told daughter #2 last night when she jokingly asked "what kind of example is that for me? Maybe I should just quit too." I reminded her that I already have a high school diploma, an Associates degree, a Bachelors degree and a Masters degree. I'm not a quitter. I'm just refocusing on my family. When I think about the next 13 years (pre-retirement years left), what will matter most? The time with my family is of paramount importance while making a decent living for us until I retire.

When I reflect, daughter #1 asked me, out of the blue, on Saturday, if I had my life to live over again, would I still do the same thing, career wise. My answer was a NO. I made easy, positive choices along the way which has led me to where I am. I took a single class in high school that I liked, which led to my Associates degree where I took other classes that pointed me in the direction of my Bachelors degree. I then took a second job for a while that lead me years later to a Masters degree. Not that any of that was bad, but it was a haphazard way to figure out what to do in life to make money

God can and will use whatever your life situation is to bring glory to Him. But I wonder if I could have been a greater witness if I had asked for direction for my vessel instead of just asking for my vessel to stay afloat.

For now, I will work the job that I have until it is time to move on to something else. But in the meantime, my life's pleasure and purpose will be about my family, my home and most importantly, my Lord.

Ssshhh Listen to the Trees!

Yesterday I visited Sequoia and King's Canyon National Parks. The beauty that I saw was breathtaking, especially the trees. The most "important" tree was the Sherman tree which is considered the largest tree in the world according to wood content. It is now something like 115 feet around the trunk at the base. Some of the trees in the park are said to be some 2000+ years old.

As I saw many of the majestic sequoias my mind went back about 2000 years ago to Jesus. How all those years ago, God sent His only begotten Son as a sacrifice for sins, all sins, your sins, and my sins. Jesus came and lived a sinless life and freely gave it for us because He loved us so much. Upon a tree, an amazing tree the cruel cross was made. Although that tree wasn't the size of the sequoia, it was the most important, majestic and meaningful tree that has ever been upon the earth. It was the tree where Jesus died.

But in His dying, He brought life to all those who would accept His sacrifice. Praise The Lord that death couldn't hold Him and He arose victorious and glorious on that first Easter Sunday.

Can you hear? Ssshhh Listen to the Trees! They tell the most amazing story of love!

Hold to God's Unchanging Hand

I was reminded today of Isaiah 41:10 (KJV): Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.

As we go through life, we will have struggles. Sometimes these are on a daily basis. However, we must keep our hearts and eyes focused on Jesus. He has promised us in His Word that he would give us the strength to make it through those tough times. God loves us so very much that we can trust Him to help us as we go through with whatever life throws at us or those fiery darts from satan.

Even in the toughest times that I've faced in my life, I have found that God is faithful. Even when I didn't feel like He was there, I can reflect and know with a certainty that He was and he cradled me in His loving arms until I could stand on my own two feet and move forward through pain and adversity.

When you feel like you are at the end of your rope and your strength is gone, you can rely on Him and "Hold to God's Unchanging Hand."

It's in These Moments

I wake up and I see the beauty of spring around me. I've sent Tony off to work and Treila off to school. Taylor and our dog, Molly, are sleeping quietly until Taylor leaves later today for the last day of FFA Convention tomorrow. I've looked at them and I look outside with the birds singing and the sun shining and I can’t help but be in awe of God. He has created all things beautiful.

I’m trying to concentrate more on the people who are in my life than the ones I've lost. Although some days are harder than others, Barry has been gone over two years and Moma has been gone almost three years and my sister, Judy, has been gone almost six months. I have others who have been gone longer. But as the time flies it still seems like it was just yesterday that we were all together.  As much as I miss them and love spring, I am reminded of the song “It’ll always be, springtime in heaven.”  What a wonderful thought that truly is for me. As much as I see spring in the newness of life and beauty all around, it is fleeting after a few months. But in heaven, it’s always spring. There is always newness of life. There is always Sonshine and beauty. So, it’s in these moments that I reflect on the past, but primarily it’s in these moments that I look to the future that gives me hope and a renewed spirit for today.

May God bless us all as we look toward to the kingdom to come where Jesus' light will always shine!

Passions

What evokes passion in you? Do you often fantasize about various things that you love or would love to do? Are you focused on your passion or is your mind playing tricks on you telling you that the thing(s) you are passionate about is never going to happen and you will never find the fulfillment you are looking for in that passion?

For me, the things that I am passionate about are sometimes illusions or delusions. Such as, I would love to never have to work again at a public job but instead travel the world and see all the beauty of God’s creation. For you see, I am passionate about travel. However, I won’t live long enough to see everything and I know that I will have to work to make the money to pay for all that travel.

I also am passionate about making my home an inviting place where my children, when they are grown, will want to return and bring their families. I don’t want them to come only on those obligatory holidays and such. I want them to want to come home often. So with that passion, I want my home to take on different characteristics. I want it to be clean and organized; since I’m not inherently one who masters in this aspect, I have hired a housekeeper one day per week.  I also want to change the exterior of my home by adding a nice parking area/garage, backyard pool and spa, finishing my outdoor pavilion with the fireplace and built in kitchen. I also want to add a large fountain in my front yard and a plethora of plants and fencing. I have the complete picture in my head. I am passionate about what needs to be done and I will need to work to make money to pay for those things.

I am also passionate about wanting to help others. I find great joy in being able to walk alongside others who may be struggling and offer hope: a shower, clothes, food and other necessities as well. I want to encourage them to be all that they can be and to become passionate about whatever that may be to them.  As an introvert, I often have a problem connecting with people, so fulfilling this passion is more of a struggle. However, if I really want to achieve this, I must work to have money to be able to do this.

I am also passionate about writing, designing and sewing. Oh me, these are the things I would love to do that could potentially help me to make the money that I need to fulfill my other passions. I could enjoy what I’m doing along the way. This passion is probably the one that scares me the most as I get the big "oh this is just a delusion, you will never be able to make money doing the things you love" head blocker. But wouldn't that be wonderful to be content in your work? These passions remind me of being a Proverbs 31 woman.

This leads me to my greatest passion; that is, to see people come to know the Lord Jesus Christ as their personal Savior. I am passionate about missions, whether it is home missions or foreign missions. Although God didn't call me into a life of full time foreign missions, I know His call for me is in being a part time missions worker and a full time Christian.  Being able to minister one-on-one with people here in my own proverbial back yard and in short trips to those foreign mission fields, my heart is forever changed with each word of encouragement that God gives me to say, each kind gesture that I do, and each person that I hug in the name of Jesus. I long for those days.

But or if I ever achieve all of the things that I am passionate about, remains to be seen. However, my one hope is that in everything that I do, I point others to Jesus whose passion for all of mankind was displayed when He died for all of our sins. It was truly the Passion of the Christ that led Jesus to the old rugged cross where He gave his life willingly as a ransom for many. He does not want any to perish but to have eternal life. God was passionate about you and me. So passionate that He sent His only begotten son to die for us. Wow, what a compassionate God we serve that has done so much for us.

I pray that your passion is to share the Good News of the love of Jesus to those around you. You have a role to play in their coming to a saving knowledge of Him. May God bless us all as we remember the ultimate passion!

Be a Blessing this Christmas!

Life has changed for me over the last couple of years. Within a 13 month timeframe, we have lost 10 members of our family on both mine and my husband's side of the family. The closest were my mother in June of 2012 and my brother in March of 2013. I have also had an aunt and several cousins and my husband has had 2 uncles and an aunt to pass. 

My "core", as my husband says, has been lost. Although I have "half" and "step" siblings who I love dearly, the 2 people who have been with me all of my life are no longer here. This is what really brings me to this post.

On Christmas Eve, my family has always gotten together to eat, open gifts and just spend some quality time together enjoying all that Christmas really means: faith, family, and future. We embrace our faith in our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, who gave himself for us so that we could have eternal life. We embrace our family as special gifts from God the Father and love each other with a thankful heart to have each other. Finally, we embrace our future, living a life pleasing to God by listening to the voice of the Holy Spirit to guide our footsteps.

But as life goes on without my "core", I also realized that my Christmas Eve tradition is no longer a reality. So instead of just sitting at home and getting emotional about all that I've lost, my husband and I have decided that it is time for a new tradition. So this year, we have decided to visit some people who are elderly or shut-in. Whether it's singing some Christmas Carols off-key, taking food baskets, or simply just showing others that we care about them, I think "our new" tradition will live on. We will still be able to share our faith with others, add "new" members to our family and look to the future as being able to spread the Love of Jesus to at least a little part of our world!

May God Bless each of you this year and throughout the rest of the years of your life and see what God would have you do to "Be a Blessing this Christmas" and all the other days that God gives us.

Thanksgiving 2013

This year will be different that all the ones of the past. With my mother and my brother both in heaven this year as well as countless other relatives like my aunt Lola and my husband's aunt Louise, there is a bit of sadness about all the festivities. Yet, when I look at what Thanksgiving is all about, I have to remember all of the things for which I am thankful. First, I am thankful for those who are no longer with us, but that God allowed them to be such a part of our lives for so many years. I'm thankful for my husband and my children and extended family. But mostly, I am thankful for my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, God's only begotten son, who gave Himself for my salvation and who now makes intercession with God the Father on my behalf and has sent the Blessed Holy Spirit to walk with me daily. Things are different. I have a longing in my heart for heaven that keeps growing as time goes by. Yet, I have so much in this life to look forward to doing, witnessing and just beholding. Life is a blessing. Thank you Lord!

Turn to Jesus Before It's Too Late!

I wrote this on Saturday Morning on Barry's FaceBook wall for the benefit of his "friends". However, I feel that I should post it to my "friends" as well. Here it is:
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This post is for the benefit of Barry Taylor's friends. He mentioned some of you in the weeks before he passed away. He also expressed regret over lots of things in his past.


Barry was an "intellectual" who always wanted things "proved" to him. He fell into satan's trap of even denying the very existence of God, much less salvation through Jesus. Barry started breaking free of satan's hold when... our mother was diagnosed with cancer last year. Many times my mother had prayed that he would find out the truth that it took only a simple childlike faith and God would confirm to his mind with a heart change. At the end of our mother's life, she expressed her visions of her journey crossing "Jordon" to get to the Promised Land of heaven. Barry was able to witness first hand what happens for a true believer in the power of Jesus Christ.

At that point, he realized that his atheist leanings were flat out WRONG! He started searching again. This time instead of buying blasphemous books denying God, he purchased a new Holy Bible! God's true Word for mankind. He read, researched and still was struggling from an intellectual standpoint because it is faith not logic where that missing link appears. His heart knew that there had to be a God but his intellect just couldn't connect.

Barry was then diagnosed with terminal cancer. He realized that according to all the research, his physical life was going to be over soon. Then he was hit hard with his own mortality.

Once he made the connection about life and death and an eternity spent somewhere, he accepted that God did, in fact, exist and believed.Then, he was too ashamed and felt too unworthy to repent of his sins and ask God to forgive him. He had wanted to but knew he didn't deserve salvation. Finally, he realized that none of us deserve salvation. It is simply a free Gift of God through His grace.

Once Barry cried out to The Lord for salvation, there was an instantaneous change in his heart on the inside and a miraculously obvious change on the outside.

You see, prior to his conversion, we saw an extremely sick man whose face was showing mortal fear. He already knew that there really was a heaven to gain and for him a real hell that he was destined to go to. But once he received the gift of God by accepting Jesus Christ as his Savior, he was filled with the Holy Spirit of God on the inside that came bursting to the outside. He went from a broken, fearful man of death and despair to a restored, redeemed man of hope and an eternal future with God.

Today he IS in heaven! And friends, he would love to see you there too one day when you lay your mortal body down. Those of you who don't know the free pardon of sin, Barry would plead with you today to turn to Jesus before its too late.

There's a Song in the Air

It seems as though I have songs constantly coming into my head. As an event or moment in time "happens," I am reminded of a song. I have noticed that as I get older that the songs are more on the spiritual side than the secular.

I use to think of country songs or jingles as life's little events, but not so much any more. Perhaps, the most poignant songs are the songs of my childhood and teen years. The songs that my parents use to sing. As those songs come flooding back into my memory, I catch another glimpse of heaven.

I'm not going to say that things in this life won't hurt me again, because I know they will. But I've gotten more of a longing for what awaits me on the other side of this life, the proverbial Jordon.

When I cross that river, it was worth it all to me.
All the splendors of heaven, before my eyes I could see.
There stands Jesus and there's Mom and Dad, they've been waiting for me,
When I cross that river, it was worth it all to me

Oh, that's just one of the many, many songs that come to me and comfort me. I've pretty much decided that whatever happens in this life is really nothing to fret too much about. The only thing that matters in this life is doing what God wants me to do in order that more people will come to know Him, thereby, making their way to heaven in the end.

I'm anxiously awaiting that day when the Lord calls me home. But until then, I'm going His way and doing His will.

Experimenting

I'm experimenting with cross-application development. We will see if I can add a picture here and it be picked up in Facebook. Here we go.

Teach Me Lord to Wait

I think sometimes I'm my own worst enemy.  I was so sure that I wouldn't have any problems whatsoever in going back into the IT world after my stint with teaching was over. I thought that because I was good at what I did and I was very successful that I would have no problem at all. In looking back over my working career in the IT field, I can't remember a time since the mid-1980's that I've had to talk to over 2 companies to ever get a job. My reputation and hard work has always been something I could count on.

I've taken employment tests and always been #1. I've had a test period at other jobs and been the only one kept. I've been on contract assignments with lots of other contractors and been the only one hired on full-time. My ego has been stoked over and over by praise, promotions and substantial raises, that I soon began to believe that it would always be that way.

Now, after 5 years away from the IT world full-time, I find myself in a very unusual and humbling position. What I thought was not going to be a problem at all has turned out to be a very big one. I am now quite anxious about the future. Although I know WHO holds the future, I am anxious about the unknown of what that might be.

However, for someone like me who has always worked, it is awfully hard to sit back and wait. It's as though I'm sitting in a revolving chair and watching the world go by. I can't even do the normal things around my house because I've become obsessed with sitting down at the computer and trying to turn over every rock that I find to see if I can get a bite.

A part of me just wants to give up and see if all of my feelers, resumes, job applications, friends or whatever I've tried to connect with at some point comes up with a job. Another part of me says to keep on going. So regardless of what I do, I'm finding out that sometimes God doesn't say yes or no, but sometimes He says wait. So I'm waiting. I'm trusting that the Lord will provide for my family's needs and that it will be a lesson that I can learn from.

I've always believed that when one door is closes another one opens up. It might be that the other door is at the end of a very long hall.

Galloping into Heaven

My mother passed from this life into her eternal life 4 weeks ago today. Here is a short version of my view of what happened.

PRAISE THE LORD! I serve a risen Savior. Let me tell you the story of my Moma and the life she lived during her last few weeks on this earth before she “galloped” her way into the portals of heaven.

For many years my mother had been a Christian. There were times when she made mistakes and yes, she even sinned. But you know what, we all do that. But my mother turned to Jesus Christ and repented of her sins and she was forgiven. At times she was very outspoken on things that she believed to be wrong and she sometimes confronted people in their sins. When she confronted the sins, it was done out of love and concern for those around her. She was not “judging lest ye be judged” but rather calling out sin as she knew it to be based on her reading, meditating, and praying over the scriptures. She did not want anyone to perish, but have everlasting life.

When Moma was first diagnosed with her brain tumor, she became even more vocal in her witness. Even I, the preacher’s wife, became a little uncomfortable at times when she would call sin by its name and in general conversation would tell people that something they were doing was wrong. For her, it was her responsibility to let people know that there was a heaven to gain and a hell to shun. She wanted everyone to be with her in heaven; she loved them enough to point out their sins.

Did Moma approach this with a beam in her own eye? No, she had already had that beam removed. She had acknowledged and confessed her sins and repented and was forgiven. But more than that, she had a “know so” salvation and she took the great commission to heart. Everyone around her became her own personal mission field.

For each one of us, we all have our own ideas of who god is. I used a little g because I know a lot of people don’t believe in the one, true, living God who created all things in heaven and in earth. The same God who sent His only begotten Son as the only acceptable sacrifice for our sins. Some people make sacrifices to their own deity whether they are physical, mental, emotional or financial in order that they may have a good life here or in an afterlife. It makes them feel good without truly accepting the fact that there is nothing that we can do to earn salvation or for that matter to gain eternal life. It is only by accepting Jesus as Savior and the grace that He gives.

Throughout scripture, we learn of people who try to mix other ideas into the worship of God. Each time, it brought death and destruction. We MUST get back to the truth, which leads me into the last weeks of my mother’s life on this side of eternity.

Four short weeks before my mother died, she already knew that her brain tumor had come back even larger than it was before the original surgery four and a half months prior. In discussion between her, my brother and myself, we had collectively decided that we would do whatever it took for her to remain with us as long as possible and we were not going to give up until we knew that there was nothing more that could be done. She felt like she still had work to do and quite frankly my brother and I just weren’t ready to give her up yet. Anyway, she had been scheduled for a second surgery to have the brain tumor removed again and potentially to begin using a new regime of chemotherapy drugs.

But early on that Friday morning, my mother woke up my brother with excruciating pain in her stomach. He gave her some pain medication, but she was still hurting badly. He called an ambulance to come and get her and then he called me. I was driving so fast that I actually got to the hospital as the ambulance and my brother were arriving and I live about twenty five miles farther away. Once at the hospital, it seemed like everything was in slow motion. My mother was given a little pain medication but nothing seemed to help. Her CAT scan was delayed because of another patient being scanned that took longer than expected. In the meantime, I was given this large glass of water with contrast to see if I could get her to drink it all before the scan. But with each drink, she would scream out in pain. I finally quit trying as I felt that it was doing more harm than good.

At last, she was taken to have the CAT scan done. When she arrived back in the ER from the scan, things kicked into lightning speed mode. The CAT scan revealed a hole in her stomach. The contents were dumping from her stomach into her body cavity. Not only was this causing the pain, but it was poisoning her system. The surgeon and his team were called in and went to work immediately.

Moma had surgery to repair the damage. She made it through surgery alright and was sent to the overflow ICU. She appeared to be doing well into Friday night. She started waking up and was responsive. By Saturday morning, she had a little blood coming from her stomach, but there wasn’t any alarm as this is normal. However, all day Saturday her heart rate fluctuated between 125 and 145 beats per minute. Her heart was working too hard and she went into v-fib. But the nurses acted quickly and stabilized that situation. But, by midnight she was bleeding internally. With every breath, blood would come out of her mouth. She was given several pints of blood and a couple of procedures were tried in ICU, but none of them seemed to help. By 10pm Sunday night, the doctors were back in doing a second surgery where they discovered that there was a second hole in the stomach and that a blood vessel was opening. The doctors were able to repair this as well.

For the next few days, Moma appeared to be improving quite a bit. By Friday, she was very talkative and tired of the ICU. She was aware of everything around her, or at least so when she had her hearing aids in her ears. She and I had a very good conversation on Friday evening about me taking my youngest daughter on a trip the following morning. She told me to go ahead and take her because she was going to be fine.

On Saturday morning as we were headed to the airport, we stopped by the hospital. My mother was in excellent spirits and, again, very talkative. She asked about some of the details of our trip and told us to be careful and even expressed a desire to go with us if she could. She said for us not to worry because she would be there when we got back.

On Monday, she was moved to a regular room as she had improved from the surgery quite significantly. However, we now know that she was also displaying the beginning signs of her impending death. She had begun pulling at the covers and her clothing and she started reaching up into the air. We just thought that this was just her being tired of lying in the bed so long or that the brain tumor was pressing on something in her brain.

The hospitalist doctor had another MRI done and talked to us on Sunday evening. He did not believe that the doctor in Nashville would try to attempt to do surgery because of how large the tumor had grown. So on Monday morning he spoke with the neurosurgeon in Nashville who said that he wanted to see her to make the determination. By that afternoon, Moma was transported to Nashville. The nurse practitioner told me that she believed Moma was no longer a candidate for surgery but that the neurosurgeon would have to make the final decision.

On Tuesday morning the neurosurgeon gave us the dreaded news that the tumor had grown too large and he would not risk it as he didn’t believe it would help and it would decrease the quality of the life she had left. He also wanted the chemotherapy oncologist to review her case to determine if there might be some drugs that would help.

By Tuesday night, my mother had started the phase of dying where she was calling out for loved ones who had already died. And by Wednesday morning, she was in and out of a state of delirium, meaning, her spirit was already preparing for the crossing over phase. It was during this time that the chemotherapy oncologist gave his decision as to not proceed with any more therapy and that we should be prepared for her death within the next two to three weeks.

Moma had already asked me on Wednesday morning if she could go home. So after we received word that nothing else could be done, I told her that I would see about getting her home. I did just that by getting the hospital social worker to get the ball rolling on getting Moma home as soon as possible.

I stayed with Moma as late as I could on that Wednesday night. While I was with her, she started, once again, calling out for loved ones again. Then she stopped and started thanking Jesus. Many times she said “Thank you Jesus, thank you Jesus.” She asked me if she could go home. I told her that we are going to take her home as soon as we could. She then repeated that she wanted to go home. I could tell by the look in her eyes that something was different so I asked her which home, the one in Dickson or heaven. She told me she wanted to go on to heaven. She wanted to go on home to heaven. She would then break out into song.

On Thursday morning, I arrived at the hospital and I was in shock when I saw that Moma had been put in restraints. I knew that something must have happened in the night for this to happen. As it turns out, she was pulling at her IVs, feeding tube, and everything else she could get her hands on. She had developed what is called the “death grip” and had strength that I had never seen her display before this time.

I was trying feverously to get all the paperwork completed for hospice. This needed to be done so that the hospital bed and other items could be delivered to her home. We managed to get everything done and she left the hospital about 4:00pm by ambulance to head home. She seemed very relaxed and so ready to get there. She was smiling and talking to the EMTs as if they were her new best friends.

The hospice nurse came and gave us some literature to read and helped answer some of my questions about administering the medications and feeding Moma through the feeding tube. That first night seemed like it was going to be fine. I slept on the loveseat in the living room as I didn’t want to leave her alone. It wasn’t long, however, until she started screaming. She was calling for specific family members who had gone on years before. Some of those screams were of anguish. She was asking for help. She was reliving some bad times in her life and wanted help, but no one seemed to want to help her. I soon found out some things during part of her consciousness coupled with the delirium and visions of things she endured that I hadn’t been aware. It seemed as though she had some unresolved hurt in her life that she needed to rid herself of before she left this world.

During her visions, she would often speak of horses. She would ask if I could see the horses. She wanted her horse. In all the years of my life, my mother never spoke of horses except to say that her father had horses to pull the wagon when she was young, but she had never indicated that she had a horse. She never really seemed to like horses that much as I was growing up, yet, over and over again, she would call out for the horses. Periodically, she would mention that she was seeing the light or that she was seeing Jesus and would ask if I saw. I told her that what she saw was special and just for her to see and that God was giving it just to her.

By Tuesday, she was in pain. Her stomach and her head were both hurting. This was the first time since we had been home that she had indicated any pain at all. I gave her the liquid Tylenol with hydrocodone through her feeding tube, but that didn’t seem to help. I called the hospice nurse to come and walk me through the process of administering the morphine. She then gave Moma a small child’s dosage which seemed to ease her pain. Moma was able to rest for a while. Then during the night she started praising the Lord again. She would get loud at times and then she would cry a little. When I asked if she were alright, she would smile and shake her head yes.

On Wednesday, Moma wasn’t in pain but she was more in her state as a visionary. She would now see family members, but this time without hurt in her voice. She was still seeing Jesus and thanking Him while intermittently breaking out into song. She sang several, but when she sang “Take My Hand, Precious Lord” she would reach out. But finally, she called for her horse and it came.

During one of her visions, she was calling out “pearly gates, oh the pearly gates; do you see the pearly gates?” This went on for a while and as I looked at her, I noticed her left hand appeared in the position of holding on to the reins of a horse. She started moving in the bed as though she were on the horse riding; her right hand was waving in the air. She finally was moving so much that her bed was shaking as she appeared to be riding faster and faster and shouting “pearly gates, I see the pearly gates; do you see the pearly gates?" This went on for quite a while with periods of resting and praising Jesus.

Moma was seeing what she had believed and read about in the Bible. She saw the great light; she saw Jesus waiting for her; she saw and got to ride on her horse. She had seen the pearly gates. At the end of her consciousness, she was galloping faster and faster into heaven with a big smile on her face. After she had gone as fast as she could, then the movement stopped. She became unconscious on Wednesday evening and never regained consciousness before she died.

I believe, however, that a part of her knew that she didn’t want to go just yet because someone was missing. My oldest daughter had been away for four weeks. Although she came in for the weekend after two weeks, I believe that Moma was waiting on her to get home. When my daughter came into the room, she spoke and I believe that in some way, Moma could hear her voice and know that she was home safe and sound.

The hospice nurse came about 20 minutes after that and looked at Moma and explained some of the physical signs of dying to me. She then said that she thought Moma had about 2 to 24 hours left. At this point, my brother and I had already come to terms with the inevitable, so I started calling in the family.

Not quite 2 hours had passed and everyone that had already gathered had left the room for a few minutes except for me and my oldest daughter who had just dozed off to sleep on the loveseat. The room had gotten quiet and I was sitting beside of Moma’s bed holding her hand. Then I noticed one deep breath and then two shallow breaths and then nothing. Moma had peacefully exited this life as she was spiritually going into her eternal life galloping into heaven.

OBSTACLES and EDUCATION

OBSTACLES: Opportunities to educate others about the contributions that an educated, business professional who has given time as a public servant in the capacity of a teacher/educator actually is better at the IT craft now than before they went to teach.

EDUCATION: Teaching is so much more than knowing a particular content and telling others about it. As a society, we have lumped teachers into this mode of "those who can, do; those who can't, teach" mentality.

A professional educator is one who can do and is able to empower others to be able to do. A professional educator is also one who has significantly enhanced management skills and interpersonal communications skills as they are a requisite in minute-to-minute discourse in and out of the classroom.

As for the ability to be a project manager, teachers have unmovable dates and have to maintain the flexibility to get in everything that's important within the constraints and to work with all of the resources to make it happen. Instead of project plans, we have more detailed, lesson plans.

As for the ability to be a business analyst, teachers are the apex of elicitation skills. A teacher questions to the nth degree to ascertain each individual student's comprehension or lack thereof. A teacher is also able to provide various solutions to a problem; this is especially true in mathematics.

Documentation templates may look a little different, but let's face it, every IT shop within every business has a different template than any other business entity. Documents are geared toward the audience that utilizes it. When someone moves between one position to another, there is a learning curve on the specifics of the documentation. However, the many years of experiences are still very much engrained into our brain.

When someone is hired for a position, do they walk into the job knowing everything? I dare say, no! In my 30+ years in the workforce, I have never seen one person who had all knowledge to do all things. But rather, the person who has shown the ability to "figure it out" was the person who contributed most to the completion of whatever the objective was determined to be.

Someone who has the ability and the motivation to be a learner is the person who will get the job done. One who can easily and willingly learn will be the one who has the ability to lead!

Food for thought!

Almost Ready for Lift-off

I'm getting excited and a little anxious at the same time. I join the part of my team at 9:30am tomorrow morning to head to the airport where we will meet up with the remainder of our group at 11:00am. After going through security, we plan to eat a meal together and then leave on our flight at 1:28pm.

We leave from Nashville and then go to Washington DC before heading to Zurich Switzerland and on to Douala Cameroon. We are going into the unknown in so many ways. One big unknown is how am "I" getting home. One leg of my flight has been deleted from my itinerary. Our leader is going to check on this today as I don't want to be left in Cameroon after my team comes back home. I guess the airline expects me to swim to Brussels to catch my flight back to the USA. I'm sure the Lord will work this out.

Prayers are needed all around. Many things are going on. I was warned at the beginning of this journey that the devil would use warfare to prevent God's mission to be carried out. He sure is throwing those darts. Here are a few of my concerns that I ask you to pray for as I am gone:

1. My mother who is going through radiation and chemo for brain cancer
2. My brother to have the strength to care for her as he is not well either
3. My nephew who was seriously injured in a horse backing riding accident and is in Vanderbilt having already had surgery on his hip and will have surgery on his shoulder this week
4. Our home insurance to quickly look at our home from the damage to last week's wind/hail storm
5. Peace of mind for my husband and my children that all will be well and I will return home safely to them
6. The Lord will watch over and keep my family safe and well while I am gone
7. For a multitude of needs for other loved ones and friends

I will write more while I am gone if I am able. Otherwise, I'll write when I get back home. May God bless and keep you all!
Nora

Pins and Needles

As we approach our departure one week from tomorrow, I am going through a little bit of anxiety. For you see, our team leaders are having difficulty getting their Visas to get into Cameroon. We are praying that this set back will be resolved quickly as time is running out.

On another note, I have started packing although I am a long way from being finished. It seems the more I pack, the longer my list gets of things I've forgotten. I pray that I am organized and ready to go when the time comes next week.

As far as those I am leaving behind, well that is also causing a little bit of anxiety. My husband is going to have to be all things to all children (2 of them) while I am gone. But mostly, I struggle with leaving my mother at this time. She starts her radiation and chemotherapy today for her brain tumor. This is going to be a 5-7 week process. I foresee 7 weeks as they started late and will need to probably "zap" a few extra cancer cells. I just pray that my brother is able to withstand the pressure of being her primary care giver. He is doing such a fantastic job. I have never seen a son take on that role like he has with our mother. I will be forever grateful to him.

I am also in the process of revamping my resume and posting it to the web. I am also going to try to update my LinkedIn account as much as possible today.

Have a wonderful day everyone, and continue to remember us all in your prayers! God Bless!

Getting Ready for the Next Great Adventure!

WOW! I can't believe that 3 weeks from tomorrow, on March 7, I and 11 other people will embark on a missionary journey to Cameroon, Africa. We are so excited to be doing the Lord's work and ministering to people who may never have heard of the greatest gift of all. We are sharing the Jesus Film with the people and will talk with them about all that Jesus did for them and how God loved them so much that he gave his only begotten Son to save the world.

Please be in prayer for our team and our families that we are leaving behind. The team will need the strength, both physical and spiritual. Our families will need comfort and belief that God will take care of all of us and bring us back safely to them.

Another Semester is Complete!

Today is the last day of mid-terms for this school year. I'm not sure what is going on with society these days to where it seems that no one really cares about doing their best. We have become a world consumed with mediocrity. We no longer care to do anything but simply get by.

I miss the day when people really cared about what they were doing and wanted to do their best in whatever they attempted to do. I don't blame the kids as much as I do their parents. It is quite apparent that having the physiology to have a child is much different than the love and skills needed to actually be a parent to a child. Having a baby is the easy part, it's what comes next that is the most challenging and rewarding.

I do hope that one day my students will wake up and realize that they can accomplish so much more. They have capabilities beyond measure. They can either become something or relegate themselves to a life of drudgery. I wish for something so much better for them. For you see, I really do love my students. They are not just bodies that pass through my room that I have to tolerate before I can get to the next set of bodies. I want to help them achieve a fuller life. But if they do not want this for themselves, what else can I do?

My prayer is that God would help me to be the encourager, disciplinarian, and champion for my students. Some of them are trying to overcome insurmountable obstacles in their personal lives. Lord use me to help them!

It’s Been a Long Time

It’s been a while since I’ve posted.  It seems as though life is simply passing by too quickly.  Between running Taylor and Treila all over the place to various activities, I don’t have time to stop and think.  I’m on reaction mode instead of pro-active.  But it’s a good life.  I would trade all the running around with them for anything in the world.  They make me so happy.

Anyway, we have just come through the Thanksgiving holidays.  We had some wonderful time with family.  Now we are heading into the Christmas holidays.  We have 3 more weeks of school before being out on break, then we are out for 2 weeks.  The following week will be 2011.  Wow, how time flies.

I just turned 49 last week.  Next year will be the big 50!  The years to follow will probably move very quickly.  I will be 60, 70, 80, etc. if the Lord allows.  I pray for grace and mercy to go before me and my family as we try with His help to serve Him all the days of our lives.  We are thankful for the people that God has put before us and the blessings that He’s given us.  I pray He finds us faithful!